Obituary – a Poem by H. McFaddean Spume

11 Responses

  1. Ian Marchant says:

    Spume has written to say that he is deeply touched that so many people have been engaged by his modest efforts. He always saw himself as a Movement poet, and at long last it looks as though he is being recognised as such.

  2. I was once beckoned over to the customers’ WCs in my shop by a customer. I’ll call him Mike, because that’s his name.
    ‘Look at this!’ he said to me, and dragged me into the gents, where, in the pan lay a beast of a turd, the end of which contained two undigested raisins (perhaps – I didn’t dig them out to check), giving the turd the appearance of a semi-slumbering sea serpent, coiled up and ready to strike the next unsuspecting arse which found itself loitering above the pedestal.
    ‘You want to get out in the shop and find out who did that’, advised Mike. ‘When I was in maintenance at the Artex factory, someone left a crap like that in the pan, and I questioned all of them until young Will admitted it was his. I told him he was sick. I had to break it up with a broom handle before it would flush.’
    Mike found it quite hard to accept that such an approach might not be my best approach to maintaining good customer relations in the shop. I discreetly carried two 2 gallon buckets of hot soapy water into the latrines and eased the beast around the bend with zero physical contact.

  3. Ian Marchant says:

    Spume has, on occassion, been forced to take work in factories, and not always as poet-in-residence! Perhaps ‘The Phantom Shitter’ was he.

  4. Curmudgeon says:

    In a previous job about twenty years ago, there was a character we called “the phantom shitter” who left massive, unflushable stools the length and circumference of Martin Johnson’s forearm in the traps around the factory. We never found out who he was. Obviously not an isolated phenomenon!

  5. The James Kennedy says:

    What an absolutley brilliant poem. Perfect for a Wednesday morning. Will Spume be interested at making any live appearances soon? Let me know what he has to say, i’m sure we will be most accommodating. Does he have any dietary requirements?

    Well done in your new post btw. Shame I took the Fiction module last year!

  6. Grime says:

    Ah, toilet functions and vital bodily fluids. The stuff of true poetry, romance and adventure.

  7. Ian Marchant says:

    Spume owes everyone who ever spent an evening in The Cheshire Cheese fifty quid.

  8. Monique says:

    Omigod, Spume lives.
    the little shit,
    he owes my fifty quid.

  9. Diane Hinson says:

    The muse comes in mysterious forms. hilarious…thanks for posting this Ian.

  10. markswill says:

    So reassuring to discover that the muse has not left him, or indeed you, darling one.

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